{Written Jan 3rd, 2011} Defining Insanity ...

 As my good pal and personal hero, Albert Einstein said, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results." This goes in the annals of recovery phrase-isms as well....Keep drinking/using and expecting somehow-someway-somewhere it's going to get better.

Using every superhuman power at our disposal, we justify and rationalize and shuck and jive....to try to use like 'normal' folk. (which by the way is laughable. We want to use alcoholically without consequences. Normal -whatever that is- folk couldn't care less if someone told them that drinking would hurt them.)

Of course being the good recovery girl that I am (don't roll your eyes at me people), I like to apply healthful principals to ALL my affairs. (not the good kind of affairs either...wait...nevermind.) How easy it is for me to be able to see the whole drinking-using paradigm clearly (thank the gods) but how difficult it can be to apply to the rest of my life. You know. The every day stuff. Relationships. Work. Family. Writing. Blah blah yadda yadda.

It's almost as if I can run at full blast towards the same brick wall ova and ova and ova again thinking THIS time I'll make it ova. (hehe no, I don't REALLY sound like that :P) And have the NERVE to act surprised when I smack into it again and again. Boom baby for the umpteenth time.

It's not the big stuff. THAT I can deftly sidestep like a subtle waltz. I've been dance partners with trauma for a few years now. I know that dance well. The little things can knock me square in the jaw though. I try to use the same old same old coping techniques that haven't worked for 20 years. Example? Oh I suppose so.

I've had it ingrained in me since pretty much birth that authority figures are well....god. Don't backtalk. Don't sass back. DON'T you dare have an opinion. The authority figure is never wrong....even when they're wrong. Parental influence of course. Which is totally -- um yea. Well at least I can't change what my past has been ....better? K? k. I can only change my perception and how it affects me. And baby....it AFFECTS me!

Bosses. Teachers. Authority. Where approval counts. Kicks me in the proverbial crotch every single ever lovin' time. Subconscious physical response kicks in and if I think I've done something wrong (whether I have or NOT) I blush, stammer, and get nervous. YES. Me. Even been known to cry. You have NO idea how much I despise this. This core belief that I always have had to 'make up', that I'm never good enough, that I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So I got to work. Examined every little nook and cranny of the 'ish'. I reacted the same way over and over and over and yes over again. Figured out the how and the why of it. Challanged the belief message. Listed all of my qualities and got into the 'reality' of the deal. So instead of stumbling and bumbling or overcompensating with epic bitchism, I learned to rationally emote and speak in an even tone with conviction. (Although, I won't lie, at times, I do revert back to bitch-ism...)

Truly this is part of my daily 10th step which most times is written. My personal insanity on a page to show me what is true and false. Us recovery folk have a hard time with that yo know. So if you've got a brick wall or twenty (that you're aware of ....which is an entirely different blog) stop. Write. Challenge. In ALL areas of life. Get into some advanced thinking here. If there's a problem that occurs ova and ova and ...yea you get the idea..then perhaps it's time to shed some light on the subject.

And if I blush profusely in your presence....it's probably either because you've just complimented me (which would be AWESOME) or a shame message has been triggered. In which case you'll find me hours later at the keyboard, nails furiously clacking in defiance because I simply refuse to be a puppet to my sickness. Let's make 2011 mindful.