My mom, The Addict

I'm not even sure how to begin this, other than by saying this is still a very sore topic for me. It is the hardest thing in the world; being an addict myself, and watching another addict, my mother for that matter, go down the same road that I did; knowing that there's absolutely nothing I can do or say to change her mind or make her stop. I was talking with my sponsor tonight about my mum and what's been going on with her. I found out today that she left her husband and is now living with my old dealer. She got smacked around a few good times because while he wasn't looking, she snagged a few pieces of crack from him. (BIG mistake, I know this man very well, and he is one of the last people I'd want to steal from), so my mum called my step dad and he came and paid the dealer off so he'd leave my mum alone. BUT! When my step father left, he left my mother there. WTF?? Really? Okay...

It completely boggles my mind that he's willing to continue enabling her, telling me today on the phone that she can't possibly weigh more than 80 lbs, he brought her food last week, and as soon as he left, my mum threw the food away. She's getting beat up by this man who, is legally, certifiable, and you just leave her there???

For months now, I've been asking my step father to go and file a Section 35 on my mother, and I've described how it works to him. He goes down to the courthouse, petitions the court to Section her, if a Judge agrees, he'll send out a warrant of apprehension, a police officer will go to wherever she is, and ARREST her. He'll put handcuffs around her wrists and throw her into the back of a cruiser. She won't have a choice! And I've told him this, numerous times, and today I said to him "I don't understand why you won't section her Dave," and he says to me, "Well, I tried talking to her about going somewhere but she said she won't go." I couldn't believe he just said that. Are you kidding me? I've told you 753457345 times, she WONT HAVE A CHOICE DAMMIT!

Ugh, it's just so frustrating, my mother is literally killing herself. I spoke with my grandmother today, and even she said "Britt, I have pictures of mom from a few years ago, she looked so ...I don't know how to describe it, other than, she looked ALIVE. I seen her a few months ago, and she looks lifeless. She looks totally emaciated...There's not an ounce of fat on her body, she looks like death." I know Gram..I know.

My sponsor said tonight, "Brittany, you may not like this, but, God has a plan for everyone, whether you want to believe that or not, and ...unfortunately, it may be his plan that something terrible happens to your mom and sadly, YOU cannot change that. Your NOT God." Damn. What do you say to that? She told me to read Acceptance on pg 417 until my eye balls fell out, I read it ...over and ..over ..and over again. And dammit, as much as I really hate to admit it; she's right. God does have a plan for each and everyone of us, and who am I to question his plans? And what difference does it make if I do question it? None.

All I can do is continue doing the next right thing, better myself, work my program, pray to God every day, and hope for the best. HOPE. ...I can only hope that at some point, God winks at my mom, puts out his hand to guide her. And damn I really hope she takes a hold of it and runs with it. Because I miss her. I don't want to have to bury my mom..especially not because this damned disease got the best of her...

So tonight, my prayers are for her, and please, I ask you to say a little prayer for her as well.

Control

Early on, I blieve that we establish what it is to sense whether or not we are in control. Congnitively, it feels better to be in control, ones ego is in check and we are then able to perceive growth and maintain a sense of balance, regardless of the situation.

As we grow older, we establish specific patterns stemming from this early sense that allow us to remain in check emotionally, physically and beyond. Even if it's some kind of ordered chaos, there is always present a sense of being able to navigate through a multitude of life situations.

When we lose control is the time the real test of integral thinking comes into play. Losing control seriously challenges people to look at themselves and then look far beyond to gain perspective. And, for me personally, it continues to be on of the biggest learning experiences ever.

You literally have to lose control of a situation to understand what drives you. What allows you to be as healthy and productive as possible when you cannot put your hand within reach. Where do you derive strength to undertake the tremendous ability of letting go and not allowing control to define you. It's seriously mind blowing to someone who has looked at control as immeasurable false protection from pain, not realizing how much of the situation wasn't mine to control in the first place and how imperative it is to just it give up, ego rebalanced and space allowed to immeasurable growth. Absolutely freaking mind blowing as I experience this more and more, wanting that space and re-balance but holding on to it for dear life for fear of pain.

It's ego. And as someone who has spent all of my adult life in some kind of addiction, the ego is a very fragile being. To just allow things to happen, to the ego, is rough. To the soul, it's truly necessary. It gives the two diametric opposites a chance to rest and intertwine once again. Definitely a challenge.

But I'm learning that just as that control is necessary for balance, so is letting go, if only briefly to recoup the senses. You just choose the elements that are most balanced at that time and focus there. You let go of the rest.

And I believe that when this happens, you wake up with less of a proverbial mental hangover and gain just a SHRED of clarity.

Imagine that.

Showin' yer ass...

umm..wrong ass.

Sometimes ... we need to take a break. Especially and most importantly, when we're in a sick thinking mindset. Taking a short bit of time to breathe and find out what the hell is going on with ya badself ... is epically important. Yes I used 'epic'. It fits.

In the fast pace of returning to a life well lived ...a sober life, fraught with all the responsibilities that comes with being a productive member of society, I need to take time to reconnect. When I don't? It's not pretty.

Let me give you a laundry list of why nots. Which are all bullshit of course in this day and age of the internets and a million ways to connect.

• lack of work
• a 'i can just inventory' mentality. not feeling the need to show my proverbial tuckus (which is very much needed for this sick chick)
• time. there isn't ever enough of it really.

See writing inventories is vital. But so is the sharing. The challenging of thinking that stinks. Whether on the phone, email, in a poem, whatever ~ I MUST ... show the sick. No matter what anyone thinks.

This is they key to staying sober/clean. This sharing. "Telling on." And so ...I am.

I don't have to do everything 'right' you know. On the path and in the journey is all that is requred of me. Thank the gods that I don't HAVE to have it all together. There is freedom in that. If you have folks in your life that DON'T show their rump (sick, disease, whatever) get around some. Run. Don't walk. There are no judges, hung jury, or executioners in 'recovery land'. We're all doing the best that we can with what we've got. One thing that I have learned to love about me is my willingness to tell on myself and then find the lesson and THEN...the humor. Cause if i'm not laughing? I'm a goner. Truth.

Humility is beautiful thing. Perfectionism is for pansies. Real courage is a truth telling sojourn into the 'real'. Thanks for being here with me. And for laughing with me at my tanning booth tan lines ... rump style. You know. That white spots where you lay on your back? The pressure point? Yea. That one.

But in reality? We are.....

Because beauty is in the eye of the recovery beholder? Can look like a hot mess, in a dress of course. Honesty is beautiful. Real is beautiful. Raw is beautiful. YOU ...are beautiful. And maybe I am too. With all my flawed perfect imperfections. I like the idea of that. Lots.

{Written Feb 4th 2011} What's it gonna be yes or no...or ...lemme sleep on it.

Had a minor epipany. Lightbulb moment. No I wasn't listening to Meatloaf. But I could be at any given moment. Okay not really. But that particular song is sorta cool in a dance and sing your face off kinda way. Right? Okay.

This is going to be a short and sweet. Sometimes those are the best kind. No long drawn out malarky. K? K. Dialogue earlier in the day...

Me. Don't be sorry. If I didn't choose for it to be that way...it'd be different.

Okay. Sounds silly and simplistic. But is it? I think of all the situations in my life. About all the things that I CHOOSE everyday. The people in or out of my peripheral line of consciousness, the image I portray, my attitude, immediate surroundings; every single one of them are choices.

I am not a victim in my own life.

Serenity prayer. Courage to change the things that I can. Yep. I am a product of what I've created. Best I can do is keep that idea front and center in my consciousness. I HAVE A CHOICE TODAY...in every situation. Even the people, places and things in my life that are unacceptable to me (oooh that sounds an awful lot like Dr. Paul's story. You know Acceptance is the answer to all my blah blah blah. Great Read. Try it sometime. Big Book Third Edition pg. 449)

OOooooh. I love it when a blog comes together. As the writing on the wall (literally) next to my bed tells me everyday....

Choose wisely my friends.

{Written Feb 3rd 2011} Perfectly Flawed...

PERFECT

Part of Speech:
adjective
Definition:
Supremely excellent in quality or nature.
Synonyms:
absolute, consummate, faultless, flawless, impeccable, indefectible, unflawed

This morning, (yes, it's morning 2:34 am), I decided to look up the many synonyms for the word perfect in hopes that I may find one that would accurately describe any part of my life. I know, needle in the haystack. I kept thinking: "What is perfection? What is the perfect situation, the perfect life, the perfect moment?" I was hopelessly curious how I measured up. Perhaps trying to counter all the reasons why I am not perfect that I have been furiously writing in my journal lately. Or maybe I have been looking to sell the idea that perfection, in any situation, rarely exists.

If you look at the before mentioned synonyms; words like absolutely, impeccable, indefectible, come across as so very definitive. I will never be completely impeccable in my life, I never fail to have a small stain or two pop out right before a meeting. Absolute? The word itself reminds me too much of the not expected to meet anyone.

But it's more than that. I think there are times when we expect that life is supposed to be perfect, in a sense. We look for things to fit a certain mold. We expect that life will one day be flaw free. And in this thinking, our expectations become unreasonable and ultimately lead to having to deal with reality.

When I was younger, I expected my life to be perfect. The reality of my life, even as I was conjuring up these fantasies, was that it was far from perfect. It was sad and dark for many many years. And my frusteration and conflict would grow to unprecendented levels because no matter how I felt or what I did, life just would no conform!

           Today, I walk around thinking that I am perfectly flawed. I am striving to accept life for it's IMPERFECTIONS because those are the most beautiful aspects.

When I imagine myself, I see flaws. I also see where I want to be, flaws included. I make mistakes like crazy - I scream and yell when I am upset at times because I am truly an emotionally intense woman. I'm okay with this as long as I really try to contain myself for five minutes before to think it out. I don't always say or do the right things. This too, I am okay with.

Perfection, to me, does not allow for growth. And life is all about evolving, growing and realizing that our flaws are part of the whole life package.

{Written Feb 2nd 2011} Lost My Way...

The other day I was writing an e-mail to an old friend of mine that has long been removed from my life, a friend that I knew while I was in highschool. In the e-mail that I wrote, I said: "You know, somewhere between then and now, I just lost my way." And that phrase has been stuck in my mind ever since.

And it's true. Somewhere between the time I was a freshmen in highschool and a few years ago, I really did lose my way. I liken it to walking down this long, long road that we call life. Throughout my journey, I've had this backpack attached to me with the weight of myself, my emotions, my grief. There have been times when I have stopped along the way and joined others, my backpack filling with my junk each step. I walked down big roads, jails, institutions, serious health issues. I walked along empty barren streets, peering into windows of others lives that I wanted so desperately to live in, my back aching from the weight of the backpack. It was like window shopping. Seeing all the different lives that I could've been living. I just kept walking until I got really lost.

Many times, I stopped and asked directions from those who didn't know the way either, and there were others who tried to point me in the right direction, but I just wasn't listening carefully enough. I faltered from the weight of my own demons. A lot of stumbling, I was desperately looking for a way home or a diversion to just let the backpack fall off for a while. There were some lonely travels along dark paths. I was unclear. Heavy, unfocused.

And while I lost my way, I didn't stop. Everytime I fell, I got up. I learned about the journey. I started looking to lighten my load of baggage to help move my life along. I paused briefly and began to examine those things. Trial and error, seeing what mattered and what didn't. I dug deep until I finally pulled out the one thing I needed, a shiny compass buried at the bottom of my bulging sack of useless crap.

Today, I am navigating. Perhaps I will always be a bit of a wanderer. A bit of confused, but on my rightful path, with direction and purpose. I got lost, changed the way that I traveled and now I am finding my way back. Walking through life with the shiny compass that I found in my soul. Stopping along the way to remember why I am walking along, the adventure, the love of traveling through. I am not lost, I am on my way.

So, my next ponderance, my next life question will be, "where the hell am I going?"

{Written Feb 2nd 2011} Compass...

Every minute, every day, we choose direction. Whether we wake up and decide to move left or right, there is a specific direction that we take. It is all relative to where we want to go. And trying to figure out how to get there is sometimes an incredibly daunting task, particularly when unaided by our own fear of the unknown.

So many times in my own life, during these tmes of choice, I wish that I could whip out a compass and have it magically point me in the direction that would be most conducive to happiness and well-being. When this magica intangible compass has failed to appear (as it should), I have become frusterated with myself for walking in the wrong direction or running like hell right into the middle of total misdirection.

The reality is that we all have an internal compass (not a magical one). One that, if crated with time and insight into how we want our lives to be lived, will help us move in the direction we choose. It's about learning to navigate choices. And spending the time to understand the consequences and aspirations that the chosen direction holds.

Each time I am faced with a new direction and the decisions weigh on me, I think about what is driving my intention. Where will this direction take me? And ultimately, will I be a better person and happier when I've taken steps to move that way.

And that, my friends, is the shiny direction bearing tool that may not prevent me from making mistakes, but it helps me stop and at least ask where I am going.

{Written Jan 26th 2011) This Too Shall Pass

If only we could take more of a way "this to shall pass" approach to life, we would suffer so much less. No event is an end point. No incident is the last word on life. One of the ways you can pursue happiness is to allow life to ebb and flow all around you, and not hold on to any event or possession too tightly. Whatever you are going through right now is not the end of the story. There's always more. There will be mysterious twists and turns that you can't even predict.

All things considered, taking a broad view of life, are you satisfied? Are you content? I don't mean in this moment, or even this day, but overall. Even if you feel that money is tight or circumstances are running against you right now, are you content? The poor in spirit are content because they have come within an inch of losing all hope. Because they know how it feels to be on the edge of spiritual devestation, they hold only loosely to things, and perspectives. Those who trust that all things come and go at the right time are content at peace.

So all things considered, are you satisfied? Are you content? True happiness is realized in the broken places of life. Your life glistens in the sun and chimes with the sound of acceptance. It's beautiful even with the cracks. When you have to come to terms with your brokeness, you don't need to pretend you are anything other than who you are in each moment. When you have accepted that each situation is what it needs to be, you stop resisting reality. As the Tao te Ching says, "If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to." Stop striving to perserve meaningful moments by putting them in a bottle. Stop trying to make your possessions immortal by storing them on a shelf. Let life come and go around you with humble curiosity and open ended wonder for this to shall pass.

{Written Jan 21st 2011} 12 Step Living

We are in the essence a society within a society. We learn through the 12 step process to be responsible, productive members of society. The process of recovery allows us to practice within our safety at our recovery meetings and through service, a new skill set hat requires patience, tolerance, compassion, and a host of other spiritual principals. Learning that my way is not the only way and that I can practice the art of listening are very useful tools. We develope it first in meetings as we "listen" to others share.

We also listen when we are in our group business meetings, area or regional service or one on one with someone at the coffee pot. These new skills follow us out to our jobs, with our families, and in interactions with those outside the fellowship. It allows us to virtually undetectable among those not in recovery but, respected for our honesty and integrityin situations that many not in recovery would handle quite differently.

Webring to the world our experience, strength and hope in a way that compliments society and enhances the world around us. We bring forgiveness to a world that is often unkind and love for all creation around us. Living a 12 step makes us aware of lifes small pleasures like a fallen leaf, a grasshopper in the sun, a full moon, a beautiful pond with its ripples or a snowflake on a pane of glass. The things that we never noticed or took for granted when we were spiritually dead, now play a major roll in our lives. Our gratitude speaks in volumes when we care and share the 12 step way.



{Written Jan 20th 2011} Same Ole Same Ole

I don't let people in.

I don't like women/men.

Women are bitches/only men understand me.

Men aren't emotional enough/only women understand me.

All my friends are of the opposite sex. They just "get" me better.

I don't trust..not even a little bit.

I've written about this topic at least a hundred different ways but it always holds merit. Meaning it's a recurring topic pretty much every single day in the recovery community. And yes, I mean every...day. What is it about letting someone in (that DOESN'T want in your pants) that is so scary for us? Why is it so difficult to believe that there are people that could care without expecting anything in return?

I mean sure. Hit any meeting and you'll see sick folks. That's just the honest truth people. Come on. People don't get into recovery because they're well. And to be on the 'real tip' there are folks with many many MANY years of sobriety who who still prey on noobs. That is the way of the world. No matter where you go you'll find SICK.


HOWEVER...Seeing as I'm an eternal optimist and that hundreds of thousands of people HAVE RECOVERED IN SPITE OF SICK....there are tons and tons of folk that are NOT that way. Leave it to people just itching to find a reason to not like recovery to gravitate towards the negativity. Pfft. If you are looking for healthy, you'll fnd it.

Hey. I was a nineteen year old, sweet, blue eyed blonde when I came into the rooms. I'm still sweet, but a lot less naive and a little bit heathier. It was easier back then to talk to the men. It was more comfortable because I wasn't challenged on my crap back then. I learned that the men who want to "go out for coffee ALONE to talk recovery" didn't really want coffee. More like dessert.I learned to spot the sick and after the initial shock of realizing in my teenaged gulible mind...that 'like oh my god, they totally don't care about me.' (DUH. Yes I know. DUH.), to stick to the women like glue.

 And I don't want to give men a bad name.

There were plently of heathful kind men

that helped me. They however, didn't want

my phone number. *one raised eyebrow* They didn't

remark on how nice my jeans fit or stare at my...

eyes. And I began to really see...who was trust-worthy

and who was not.



Hard lesson but so what. You mean to tell me that you people never experienced inappropriate behavior in the crack house, shooting gallery or local bar? Sometimes I hear people being shocked by sick behavior and I'm like are you an addict like me? Did you NOT use sexuality as a weapon like me? When did people become so delicate? We've seen and experienced things that no one should ever have to go through...and then somebody makes a sexual innuendo and you either think "they looooove me" or are offended? Handle it. Tell em' to bite you and NOT in a good way. Sheesh.

Anyway. Off topic. Point is that anyone who is healthful is going to be doing pretty much the OPPOSITE of what we're used to experiencing. I knew what it was like to be ogled. What I didn't know was being cared about for simply being me. It was a totally new concept. Blew me away completely and I'm ever so glad that old timer women grabbed me by the shirt collar and yanked me into their loving graces.

No one said you had to like it. It's not in any recovery book that I've ever seen; this "liking" concept. Trust because your life depends on it. Hang on to the women or the men (whatever the same sex is for you) to get fed in recovery. Someday you'll have the wisdom to know the difference between sick and healthy intimate relationships. Until that time...like an old friend of mine told me...

KEEP YOUR LEGS CLOSED AND YOUR EARS OPEN GIRL!

{Written Jan 19th 2011} Success???

Like most people, I tend to stick with what I know. What I've experienced. What is comfortable. Even if it doesn't look too comfortable from the outside. Matter of fact sometimes our lives (my life) can look like one big case study in psychosis based on past history. But it's SAFE. To me anyway.

"Been down so long that I'm lookin' up from the floor."

 (and not in that 'god come get me boy' kinda laying on the floor either. Which is another topic altogether. not releveant. hush)

Knowing what to expect, even and especially when that expectation is self-fulfilled and self-propelled time and time and time ...again. Where everything is flip flopped and good is bad and right is wrong and fail is all I've ever known. I felt this way when I first came into recovery. Back as a nineteen year old drug addict who was going to treatment to keep my ass outa jail. (it didn't work by the way but I looked damn good in green)

Everything 'healthy' was so strange like an infomercial at 3 AM with an overly exuberant Jay 'The Juiceman' Kordich where his epically busy eyebrows talk to me about the power of BEING HEALTHY and how everything in my life will change if I would just juice this damn pineapple!!!

Feelings being shared. Kindness. Understanding. Not being allowed to make ANY more excuses. Felt like an uncomfortable hug being held just a little too long. I'm not really the touchy feely type anyway..I value personal space immensely. And to have all these people hand shaking, hugging and all up in my grill? Oh hell no.

Of course this has changed. Because I allowed it to sink in through osmosis. That there was indeed hope to be found in recovery and I didn't have to believe the lies that my head slammed into the brick wall day after day. I wasn't sick but bad. I could never change. These people were crazy. (okay some things haven't changed but I'm getting better. promise.)

This still happens today in different ways. As I sit here I realize that one of my biggest fears is of ... success. Perhaps I actually CAN achieve my dreams. I CAN have a healthful loving relationship. The future is bright. IF I succeed, then I am responsible. Big-word-don't-like-it-not-even-a-little. Swimming in a sea of responsibility. I feel spread so thin that I channel transparency -aka -the glass whisperer'. A life well lived is a busy life blah blah blah. Whatever.

But it's about taking that next uncomfortable step. Whatever that may be. Whether getting your ass to that meeting that you don't want to go to or picking up that 100 lb phone or a new job or new place to live or submitting writing. *deep breath* K.

There is a spark. That will not die. That says "Keep at it no matter what". Recovery has given me that spark, before June 2010, up was down, good was bad, and right was wrong. (as much as I despise those words...they fit. poetic license people). Having the wisdom to know the difference makes me accountable to KEEP seeking that next goal, step, jump, slither, baby step.

Thank the gods, whomever they may be, that it's a process. Too much happiness slammed on me all at once might damn near kill me. I can do pain, sorrow, misery with panache and flair and look damn good doing it too. (damn straight). But, this 'no drama' thing happening since I got my head out of my proverbial ass? Holy crap. It's a doozy.

So responsibility begets accountability begets accessibility to the idea that I can be more. Do more. Achieve more. And recovery (you inanimate thing that I have personified so often), I thank you. Recovery. It'll love you back.

{Written Jan 15th 2011} Resent...Meant.

Hopefully by now in your recovery process you've at least 'heard' of these nasty little buggers that can destroy an alcoholic/addict faster than anything else. (you know "number one offender" and all that jazz? No? It's in the book. Both of em'. Yep.) Mirriam and Webster what say you?

RE-SENT-MENT

noun \ri-zent-mənt\
DEFINITION OF RESENTMENT
; a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury

Not the word persistent. Meaning of course ...continuing, lasting, or holding on, despite opposition or difficulties. No one told you to get a dictionary to read along with your 12 step literature? No? Hmm..Now you know. Persistent ill will. Despite opposition to such ill will. Think of it as 're-feeling' the hurt. Over and over. When you think about it. Possibly enough to bring a blush to your face and sparks to your eyes.

Now. Steps four and ten address these resentments clearly. (Refer to Big Book or Basic Text for further instructions ) Step ten handles the day to day cropping up of new issues as a daily review. But how do we deal with a situation burning in our head that occured ten minutes ago?

Ever heard the old addage "If there are 100 people in a room and 99 like me...I'll focus on the one that doesn't and why the HELL don't they like me?" It seems that we have this peculiar mental twist (ahem) that causes us to focus on the negative ...the injustice ...the "I can't believe you just did that to me" -ism of it all. This is NOT just an addict thing. Trust me. But for us it is especially dangerous. That tape recorder from hell needs to NOT be pressed on repeat if we are to live a happy, joyous and free life. Think of it as pulling yourself out of the red rage tape you've been stuck in for so long.

Now then. We know that the steps take care of resentments. Yes. What would you think if you could avoid them altogether? That if someone "made" you mad or hurt or angry....you could feel the feeling and then let it go??? That's sorta the whole goal here people. This is a sort of culmination of several recovery principles all wrapped up in one big shiny bow.

• powerlessness over people, places, things
• let go and let god (whatever that may look like to you)
• rule 62 (don't take yourself too damn seriously)
• "what other people think of me is none of my business"
• pray for that person (what prayer you ask? Well I just happen to have one that fits perfectly. go figure)

It even goes so far in the Big Book to delineate a prayer for anger. Step four directions page 67.

"God help me to show this person the same tolerance, pity and patience that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend. This is a sick person, how can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done, not mine."



It's called learning how to be a duck in water. What can you change? You. That is all. No more. No less. If you're doing inventories -- awesome. It's your path to freedom and certainly nothing about which to be scared of. If you're not there yet remember...we can't afford to be hypersensitive angry folks "the grouch and the brainstorm were not for us."

Stop the resentful thoughts from forming, use the anger prayer. No one should have that much power over you.. Take a moment. Breathe. Remember. You're worth it.

{Written Jan 14th 2011} In Vodka Veritas...

One of the first things you hear in AA -- one of the first things that makes core, gut-level sense--is that in some deep and important personal respects you stop growing when you start drinking alcoholically. The drink stunts you, prevents you from walking through the kinds of fearful life experiences that bring you from point A to point B on the maturity scale. When you drink in order to transform yourself, when you drink and become someone you're not, when you do this over and over and over, your relationship to the world becomes muddied and unclear.


You lose bearings, the ground underneath you begins to feel shaky. After a while you don't even know the most basic things about yourself--what you're afraid of, what feels good and bad, what you need in order to feel comforted and calm--because you've never given yourself a chance, a clear, sober chance to find out.


Alcohol offers protection from all of that, protection from the pain of self-discovery, a wonderful, cocooning protection that's enormously insidious because it's utterly false but it feels so real, so real and necessary.

And then, tragically, the protection stops working. The mathematics of transformation change. This is inevitable. You drink long and hard enough and your life gets messy. Your relationships (with nondrinkers, with yourself) become strained. Your work suffers. You run into financial trouble, legal trouble, or trouble with the police. Rack up enough pain and the old math--discomfor + drink = no discomfort--ceases to suffice; feeling "comfortable" isn't good enough anymore. You're after something deeper than a respite from shyness, or a break from private fear and anger. So after a while you alter the equation, make it stronger and more complete. Pain + Drink = Self-Obliteration.

{Written on Jan 13th 2011} Odd Woman Out..

I'm not a joiner. I really don't think like most people do....never have. Rarely have I fit in with people "all the way." Always just a smidge remains hidden to be "acceptable". I'm sure lots have felt that way. Have heard it a time or twenty...I'm 'unique'. In the context of drinking/using, we're NOT unique. But in the dealing with personality traits, I'm pretty sure it's okay to be different.

Scarlet letter of "I" for independent thinking or ignoramus or inconsequential or irreverent or irresponsible or ibid (what?) or hell just ID, branded on my forehead. Not a conformer in a group of nonconformists. Interesting. I words. Consumed with self. Get the idea? (not no mo. thank the gods - whomever they may be)

That's the one thing I adore about recovery. We have a common bond but don't have to be placed in a cookie cutter mold. The most helpful folks I've found are the ones who are NOT rigid. Not stuck in a cyclical rhetoric of judgmental differential. You've seen it. I know you have. The MOB MENTALITY or as I like to call it "the finger pointers". I avoid this like the plague and I hope you can too. If you do this...Stop it. It sucks and is NOT beneficial to anyone.

Be careful to not hop so easily on the bandwagon ...pitchfork in hand. The mob mentality can be a dangerous thing. The lambasting of a person can be an easy thing to do when hey ... all the cool kids are doing it. I work diligently not to knee jerk and react these days ... I prefer to investigate before I grab a torch. I've seen people jump on others in meetings for things they've known NOTHING about. They "heard things". Hmm. Really? Unless I witness it first hand ... I refrain from comment or opinion. "She doesn't work a program" "he's a slut" "They've never worked a step" "She's gunna get drunk again...just LOOK at her!" Bleck! Finger pointing = fail. I have enough of my own shit to keep me busy for quite some time thank you. So if I have no evidence to support what I hear ...I remain cautiously optimistic.

It's the human condition to form social groups with their own sets of rules and norms. This is true in recovery also. How do I know this? I've spouted negative things about folks early on that didn't fit with the 'mold' in recovery. They staed sober though. What worked? Does it matter? Does fitting in with the group mean recovery? No. Do you have to be a social butterfly to stay clean? No. Do you have to be Mr. or Mrs. AA to get better? Hell no. What matters is simply doing the work.

Sometimes the 'work' ....is quiet.

AND...I've had things spouted about me. It damn near killed me last year. Nothing worse than walking into a meeting and feeling the whispers of the collective group on you. Yeowch. (thank god that's behind me). Today I would make an offhand quip and sit the hell down anyway. The difference today is that MY opinion and those that know me (really know me) carries weight. People who do NOT know me ...do not matter.

Anyway, I have NO idea where I'm going with this, other than I know what it's like to not feel like you fit in. Even in recovery. Oh everyone likes me enough and I like them for the most part, but that is NOT a requirement for sobriety. I for one rather like my small close knit circle of friends.

I finally have some amazing connections that 'get' me. That get that I am not the best on the telephone. A handful of recovery folk that love me unconditionally without expectation. It's a beautiful thing. I like me. Sorta gives other people to like me too. Oddball and all. I dig that today. Don't like me? That's okay. I have days when I don't like me either. They don't last long however. ;o)

{Written Jan 3rd, 2011} Defining Insanity ...

 As my good pal and personal hero, Albert Einstein said, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results." This goes in the annals of recovery phrase-isms as well....Keep drinking/using and expecting somehow-someway-somewhere it's going to get better.

Using every superhuman power at our disposal, we justify and rationalize and shuck and jive....to try to use like 'normal' folk. (which by the way is laughable. We want to use alcoholically without consequences. Normal -whatever that is- folk couldn't care less if someone told them that drinking would hurt them.)

Of course being the good recovery girl that I am (don't roll your eyes at me people), I like to apply healthful principals to ALL my affairs. (not the good kind of affairs either...wait...nevermind.) How easy it is for me to be able to see the whole drinking-using paradigm clearly (thank the gods) but how difficult it can be to apply to the rest of my life. You know. The every day stuff. Relationships. Work. Family. Writing. Blah blah yadda yadda.

It's almost as if I can run at full blast towards the same brick wall ova and ova and ova again thinking THIS time I'll make it ova. (hehe no, I don't REALLY sound like that :P) And have the NERVE to act surprised when I smack into it again and again. Boom baby for the umpteenth time.

It's not the big stuff. THAT I can deftly sidestep like a subtle waltz. I've been dance partners with trauma for a few years now. I know that dance well. The little things can knock me square in the jaw though. I try to use the same old same old coping techniques that haven't worked for 20 years. Example? Oh I suppose so.

I've had it ingrained in me since pretty much birth that authority figures are well....god. Don't backtalk. Don't sass back. DON'T you dare have an opinion. The authority figure is never wrong....even when they're wrong. Parental influence of course. Which is totally -- um yea. Well at least I can't change what my past has been ....better? K? k. I can only change my perception and how it affects me. And baby....it AFFECTS me!

Bosses. Teachers. Authority. Where approval counts. Kicks me in the proverbial crotch every single ever lovin' time. Subconscious physical response kicks in and if I think I've done something wrong (whether I have or NOT) I blush, stammer, and get nervous. YES. Me. Even been known to cry. You have NO idea how much I despise this. This core belief that I always have had to 'make up', that I'm never good enough, that I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So I got to work. Examined every little nook and cranny of the 'ish'. I reacted the same way over and over and over and yes over again. Figured out the how and the why of it. Challanged the belief message. Listed all of my qualities and got into the 'reality' of the deal. So instead of stumbling and bumbling or overcompensating with epic bitchism, I learned to rationally emote and speak in an even tone with conviction. (Although, I won't lie, at times, I do revert back to bitch-ism...)

Truly this is part of my daily 10th step which most times is written. My personal insanity on a page to show me what is true and false. Us recovery folk have a hard time with that yo know. So if you've got a brick wall or twenty (that you're aware of ....which is an entirely different blog) stop. Write. Challenge. In ALL areas of life. Get into some advanced thinking here. If there's a problem that occurs ova and ova and ...yea you get the idea..then perhaps it's time to shed some light on the subject.

And if I blush profusely in your presence....it's probably either because you've just complimented me (which would be AWESOME) or a shame message has been triggered. In which case you'll find me hours later at the keyboard, nails furiously clacking in defiance because I simply refuse to be a puppet to my sickness. Let's make 2011 mindful.

{Originally Written Dec 11, 2010} Finger on the Trigger

 It happens without our even knowing. An event, person, word, gesture, object, situation, during which some internal button is stomped on, leaving us frazzled and worn and nervous and in some cases - wanting to use - ....bad. I've heard of times where people who are seemingly just "fine", get a switch flipped and aren't so "okay". Could be people glorifying using, in old enviroments, being around certain family members that....TRIGGER old sick ways of thinking and believing. In the extreme example, wanting to use again.

Triggers (yes this is a treatment word. So? People have learned things in the last 50 years about addiction. Why not use it? So ...yea. Triggers :) According to Relapse Prevention (.org)

The 10 most common relapse triggers:

1. Being in the presence of drugs or alcohol, drug or alcohol users, or places where you used or bought chemicals
2. Feelings we perceive as negative. Particularly anger, sadness, loneliness, guilt, fear, and anxiety.
3. Positive feelings that make you want to celebrate.
4. Boredom.
5. Getting high on any drug.
6. Physical pain.
7. Listening to war stories and just dwelling on getting high.
8. Suddenly having a lot of cash.
9. Using perscription drugs that can get you high even if you use them properly.
10. Believing that you no longer have to worry (being complacent). That is, that you are no longer stimulated to crave drugs/alcohol by any of the above situations or by anything else. Therefore believing it's safe for you to use again occasionally.

Actually, this goes along with many of the "slogans" in recovery speak. Dry people dry places, HALT, Live and Let Live, Easy Does It, One Day at a Time..you get the idea. Words that have a way of seeping in even if we don't realize it. You're probabl thinking "Britt, DUH, we already know this stuff." Okay ..okay ...you're totally right. Or do we really know? Do you inventory daily? When is the magical moment when right becomes wrong and we can no longer "differentiate the truth from the false?" (Big Book. Find the page. It's in the beginning.)

What about those of us with "time"? What about the triggers that are elusive and not just early recovery focused? What about refraining from being a "dry drunk"? How do you stay MINDFUL?? What triggers your depression or irritation? How do you stay spiritual in the face of extreme adversity? How do you go from working the steps to LIVING THEM INNATELY?

"People who relapse aren't suddenly taken drunk. Most experience progressive warning signs that reactivate denial and cause so much pain that self-medicating with alcohol or drugs seems like a good idea. This is not a conscious process. These warning signs develop automatically and unconsciously. Since most recovering people have never been taught how to identify and manage relapse warning signs, they don't notice them until the pain becomes too severe to ignore."

One thing I know from MY personal experience is ...relapse happens a very long time before the event actually occurs. Little bits of depression, listless, hopeless, helpless seep back in the crevices of my mind; taking over the subconscious even WHILE doing the basic recovery work.

Be aware of your finger on the trigger. Your pointer can be used for better things. Lose nose picking or pointing upward for emphasis. Maybe even poking the sleeping guy in a meeting when it's his turn to share. What? It could happen.

So. That being said. It's not a right or wrong thing. No need for defenses in this endeavor. We have the same sick. Different symptoms perhaps but same disease attacking our inner winner. Be mindful today ...without judgement. And know that surrendering to the idea that we can't do this alone = WIN. Use all tools at your disposal. Be well this day.

{Originally Written Nov 17, 2010} CLIMAX....

Feel. Real. Be the best you.

Whether happy, sad, angry, lost. Feel it to the core of who you are.

Allow yourself the respect to be just where you are.

Be gentle with you..

Take care of your needs. Bubble baths, lay in bed, stay in your jammies all day long. Drink hot cocoa and gaze at your Christmas tree. Even if you're alone; you're in good company. Take a walk in the crisp air, if it's warm where you are, go to the beach and breathe the saltiness. See a movie, buy a trinket cause you like it, treat yourself to you. Work out, meditate, stretch and feel the physical presence of you. Remember that if you don't like yourself; no one else will. Caress your own cheek, arm, neck, legs. Explore the gorgeousness of physicality.

Do you even know how amazing you are? Deep down? Underneath the crud of perception? People can freak about being alone. I like me, dig the moments of "me" time. Find your center, light a candle, be still and open to find out who you really are. To breathe and feel and be and bask in the glory of Brittany. Make myself laugh; gentle lover in the climax of what is ...me. Waves of orgasmic self realization course through my spirit. You can do this too. Allow your inner love to shine and be passionate about the reflection.

It's time. If you're reading this, it is time. Be. Dig. LOVE. Get off...on you ;O)

{Originally Written Dec 10th, 2010} Dance With Me...

It's been done. Better than you could ever imagine. No hateful words you can say to me ..that've not already been said. See here. I know the dark night of the soul. The trembling self hatred of allowing someone to dominate and belittle the enigma that is me. Been to that show, front row seats, got the guitar pick to prove it in the form of wrist scars received by "I do's."

Rest assured that I chose that; sure as I choose to open my eyes in the morning. Not initially. But I knew. On a subconscious, where God talks to me level, I sure as shit knew better. This makes it my responsibility. MY choices. Me, mine, my, This list is long:

-A life free of fear
-filled with joyous gratitude for EVERY experience
-maintaining focus on what's really important
-acting and not knee jerking myself into asshat-ism
-practicing compassion in word and deed
-taking heathful risks and being "vunerable"
-congruency (cool word look it up)
-being my highest thought

(I could go on for days here ....I believe you to be smart people and you get the gist here)

POSITIVE energy. Like attracts like. The infinite Law of Attraction. I so dig what I'm attracting these days. It's a mirror for me. A gauge of sorts, if I choose to have the eyes to see.

Today I choose differently. I "see"; am aware. No longer in denial of my worth. No longer blinded by the bullshit lies of others who are clogged with pain and despair. I weep for those filled with this idea of scarcity. NOT ENOUGH: love, life, money, hope, "stuff", bullshit. We are what we create. THAT is who you really are when it comes down to the meat and red skins. :P

Living a life of abundance, manifesting jou and opportunity is my new gig. No blaming others. In my innermost struggle; the internal dichotomy is changing. Positive, beneficial is being seen around every corner; even in what most view as "bad".

It's all in how you frame it ...spin it...view it...embrace it....internalize ...it. Can YOU differentiate between true and false? Do YOU know your highest self? I so want that for you. Come with me and let's do this dance of truth together. I got mad skills and dancing is my "thang". Foxtrot, waltz, crip walk, hustle, pop and lock my ass. I'm a great partner and my dance card needs filling. Let's be real...together.

{Originally Written Dec 9th, 2010} Strength in Softness...

I fall often. Fall short of goals I set, stubbing my toe on the cracks in the sidewalk of life. I scuff my knees, years of tiny white scars remind me of lessons learned the hardway. Today the loveliness of comparing scars with you has sustained me in times of woe. No longer blocked from the sunlight of the spirit that is One, I raise my sparkling baby blues to the sky instead of focusing on the blood dripping from my proverbial shins. Ever daring to hope that it is safe again.

It IS safe. It is ok to cry and be comforted.

I am safe even if pinched on the tuckus by mean spirited types who are sad and bitter because they don't dig themselves. Ouchies can be soothed and caressed away by the kindness of love. Ever growing from such pains, I revel in the strength that is me; nothing that there is only a me because of the great recovery of WE.

Strength that comes from softness. Gentleness and sincerity and for the love of all that is most high. Sweetness personified, pearls of light whispered from the gap between my front teeth. Kindness without expectation. Love in word and deed, no typical paycheck in sight.

Takes mucho strength to say "help me" and "please kiss my booboo". Every single time I give, I get back. Then I give back and "get" yet again. Cosmic karma like a boomerang. Lve is exponential; never finite. The more you give the bigger it becomes; snowballing avalanche style until you are engulfed in the sweet softness of living with kindness and compassion.

I do so because I AM so...softness and strength. Paradoxical in the way that we drunks and crackheads GET ...surrender to win ...be soft to be strong. We don't have to yell to be heard; sometimes the loudest voice is the one whispered.

Old timers with wise smiles understand as much. A well placed word or two gets the job done sometime better than a twenty minute tirade of angst and in your face. Calmness and grace, emotional fortitude and the swinging swagger of peace, joyful expressions permeate through them.

YES...this is the good stuff. What I wanna be; strive and grove to see in me. Strength in softness, let me lift you effortlessly with a whisper of sweetness and love.

{Originally Written Dec 8th, 2010} Take Another Little Piece...

It happens often. Today it was a random message from a bloke : "I can't. I'm lost. Alone. This shit doesn't work. You people are liars. Life is NOT better. Go get bent!" Hopeless, helpless, lost the will to fight the lies behind the eyes. Drown out the fear with anger and pain, lashing at outstretched hands leaving trickles of despair with every bitten off word.





Do you remember the weight of the world sitting on your chest and crushing the life outa you? Be it at the end of our using or freshly in the rooms, this feeling was more common than not for those of us recovering. Pain so real in it's grip that you thought you'd never escape. The despair of the "bottom" is on we're told not to regret lest we repeat it again.

My heart breaks off just a tiny little piece, and I sent it with that lost soul who messaged me. "Here" I say without a word. "Use this as needed. May you find hope." Not clarity or peace or even long term recovery. Just "hope" that it CAN get better. No one can convience a drunk or junkie that it's gunna be okay. Wish it were so, but it's not. All we can do is share our experience, strength and foremost hope; that there is a solution. That all is not lost .That if an addict like me can do the recovery dance then...you certainly can too!

So today there are tiny pieces of my heart all around the world, for I speak to lots of people daily via wireless internet. Funny thing about the giving, it comes back a millionfold; and my heart is swelling right outa my chest. To give is to receive.

Hope ...is a beautiful boomerang.