{Written Feb 2nd 2011} Lost My Way...

The other day I was writing an e-mail to an old friend of mine that has long been removed from my life, a friend that I knew while I was in highschool. In the e-mail that I wrote, I said: "You know, somewhere between then and now, I just lost my way." And that phrase has been stuck in my mind ever since.

And it's true. Somewhere between the time I was a freshmen in highschool and a few years ago, I really did lose my way. I liken it to walking down this long, long road that we call life. Throughout my journey, I've had this backpack attached to me with the weight of myself, my emotions, my grief. There have been times when I have stopped along the way and joined others, my backpack filling with my junk each step. I walked down big roads, jails, institutions, serious health issues. I walked along empty barren streets, peering into windows of others lives that I wanted so desperately to live in, my back aching from the weight of the backpack. It was like window shopping. Seeing all the different lives that I could've been living. I just kept walking until I got really lost.

Many times, I stopped and asked directions from those who didn't know the way either, and there were others who tried to point me in the right direction, but I just wasn't listening carefully enough. I faltered from the weight of my own demons. A lot of stumbling, I was desperately looking for a way home or a diversion to just let the backpack fall off for a while. There were some lonely travels along dark paths. I was unclear. Heavy, unfocused.

And while I lost my way, I didn't stop. Everytime I fell, I got up. I learned about the journey. I started looking to lighten my load of baggage to help move my life along. I paused briefly and began to examine those things. Trial and error, seeing what mattered and what didn't. I dug deep until I finally pulled out the one thing I needed, a shiny compass buried at the bottom of my bulging sack of useless crap.

Today, I am navigating. Perhaps I will always be a bit of a wanderer. A bit of confused, but on my rightful path, with direction and purpose. I got lost, changed the way that I traveled and now I am finding my way back. Walking through life with the shiny compass that I found in my soul. Stopping along the way to remember why I am walking along, the adventure, the love of traveling through. I am not lost, I am on my way.

So, my next ponderance, my next life question will be, "where the hell am I going?"