Like most people, I tend to stick with what I know. What I've experienced. What is comfortable. Even if it doesn't look too comfortable from the outside. Matter of fact sometimes our lives (my life) can look like one big case study in psychosis based on past history. But it's SAFE. To me anyway.
"Been down so long that I'm lookin' up from the floor."
(and not in that 'god come get me boy' kinda laying on the floor either. Which is another topic altogether. not releveant. hush)
Knowing what to expect, even and especially when that expectation is self-fulfilled and self-propelled time and time and time ...again. Where everything is flip flopped and good is bad and right is wrong and fail is all I've ever known. I felt this way when I first came into recovery. Back as a nineteen year old drug addict who was going to treatment to keep my ass outa jail. (it didn't work by the way but I looked damn good in green)
Feelings being shared. Kindness. Understanding. Not being allowed to make ANY more excuses. Felt like an uncomfortable hug being held just a little too long. I'm not really the touchy feely type anyway..I value personal space immensely. And to have all these people hand shaking, hugging and all up in my grill? Oh hell no.
Of course this has changed. Because I allowed it to sink in through osmosis. That there was indeed hope to be found in recovery and I didn't have to believe the lies that my head slammed into the brick wall day after day. I wasn't sick but bad. I could never change. These people were crazy. (okay some things haven't changed but I'm getting better. promise.)
This still happens today in different ways. As I sit here I realize that one of my biggest fears is of ... success. Perhaps I actually CAN achieve my dreams. I CAN have a healthful loving relationship. The future is bright. IF I succeed, then I am responsible. Big-word-don't-like-it-not-even-a-little. Swimming in a sea of responsibility. I feel spread so thin that I channel transparency -aka -the glass whisperer'. A life well lived is a busy life blah blah blah. Whatever.
But it's about taking that next uncomfortable step. Whatever that may be. Whether getting your ass to that meeting that you don't want to go to or picking up that 100 lb phone or a new job or new place to live or submitting writing. *deep breath* K.
There is a spark. That will not die. That says "Keep at it no matter what". Recovery has given me that spark, before June 2010, up was down, good was bad, and right was wrong. (as much as I despise those words...they fit. poetic license people). Having the wisdom to know the difference makes me accountable to KEEP seeking that next goal, step, jump, slither, baby step.
Thank the gods, whomever they may be, that it's a process. Too much happiness slammed on me all at once might damn near kill me. I can do pain, sorrow, misery with panache and flair and look damn good doing it too. (damn straight). But, this 'no drama' thing happening since I got my head out of my proverbial ass? Holy crap. It's a doozy.
So responsibility begets accountability begets accessibility to the idea that I can be more. Do more. Achieve more. And recovery (you inanimate thing that I have personified so often), I thank you. Recovery. It'll love you back.
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