{Originally Written Dec 7th, 2010} Not a Test

This is not a test.

You will not be graded on spelling, typos, grammer, and punctuation. As long as you use your voice, you win.

You do not have to impress anyone to be liked. You are simply amazing just the way you are. Remember people who have it don't need to say it.

Love is not finite. The more you love the more love that comes back to you.

Other people's thoughts, reactions, beliefs, behaviors....have little to nothing to do with you. Others have their own vision skewed with perception and MIS-perceptions. Have you ever thought that what you communicate might be different than what is heard?

You are not responsible for the weight of the world. Take that globe of over-responsibility off of your weary shoulders and comere *wiggles a crooked finger at you* ...I give good shoulder rubs :P

There is no right/wrong, good/bad, pass/fail. This is all a myth of perception placed on us by grown ups. It's all experience. Every piece a vital part of your life mantra. Don't judge the universe. Some Tibetan guy said that. He's smart.

Kindness is all there is.

Embrace yourself in everyway possible. You are the only you....you've got. This is not arrogance. This is inclusive. For the more you love yourself ...the more you'll unconditionally embrace others.

Sad is not fail. Tears are healing.

You look amazing when you smile. Yep, reliable sources say this is so ;o)

Somwhere, someone is thinking of you with great fondness. Thoughts are energy. You're being given energy shots without your knowledge. Be aware of this :)

The only person you should try to impress is yourself. If you're not your own number one fan than I shall send you a huge foam finger with #1 on it! Yes, you have to wear it!

Accept that you are beautifully flawed. Some of the most endearing characteristics are labeled as "bad". This is simply untrue. I like it when you snort like a pig when you laugh. Oh, and that hogging the covers thing? Makes me smile....everytime.

Know that you are loved beyond measure. Whether you realize it or not.

You....are enough to handle anything thrown your way. Really.

And...this is not a test. Grades are for amateurs. Real folks know that it's in the suiting up and showing up. That's enough.

{Originally Written Dec 6th, 2010} Simple?

Keep it simple stupid. I hated that saying. Still sorta do. Meaning that I complicate things too much? Or that I'm not aware enough yet to do anything about the mess that is my life? Or just simply, "don't use and go to meetings." Important, but blah.

ADJECTIVE:

1. Having or composed of only one thing, element or part. See synonyms at pure.

Ummm...no.

2. Not involved or complicated; easy; a simple task. See synonyms at easy.

Easy?

3. Being without additions or modifacations; mere: a simple "yes" or "no".

Okay maybe this applies.

4. Having little or no ornamentation; not embellished or adorned: a simple dress.

I never dress without ornamentation.

5. Not elaborate, elegant or luxurious. See synonyms at plain.

Plain?? WTF??

6. Unassuming or unpretenious; not affected.

Eh. Perhaps.

7. Having or manifesting little sense or intelligence.

8.  Uneducated; ignorant.

9. Unworldly or unsophistocated. See synonyms at naive.

Err....how about kiss my ass dictionary!!

10. Not guileful for decietful; sincere.

In recovery? We don't even know we're lying half the time!

11. Humble or lowly in condition or rank; a simple woodcutter.

Pfft.

12. Ordinary or common: a simple head cold.

Common??? I don't think so bub!

13. Being a fundamental or rudimentary element; basic.

Just quit it. Sure.

14. Not important or significant; trivial.

Not even a little bit.

15. {Biology} Having no division or branches, no compound: a simple leaf, a simple eye or lens.

16. {Music} Being without figuration or elaboration: a simple tone.

One note gets boring.

17. A person of humble birth or condition.

No. We are extraordinary.

So funny thing. The word simple has nineteen different definitions. Oxymoronical? Ironic? Maybe. But to simply slap a "simple program for complicated people" sticker on anything that is too deep for anything that asks questions ...well see definition number 2 under NOUN.

Is this a great disclaimer for people not following the program. Judgement statement of grand design? Maybe we should all just stop thinking and only speak of John Barleycorn and the good oldtimers. Hmmph. I have a brain. I use it. This is NOT contra-indicated to recovery. Meaning ....WE ARE NO MORE COMPLICATED THAN ANYONE ELSE IN THIS WORLD. Alcoholics and addicts certainly don't corner the market on pain or complexity.

We are SICK. Suffering from a disease that tells us that we don't have one. With subtleties and symptoms that vary ...most of which deal with denial. The rich river of lies that clutter the landscape of heathful recovery living. That ...is what blocks us. A simple answer to someone justifying their behaviors would be "you're sick. you're sick. you're sick. you're sick." Really? If it were that simple then we wouldn't have 12 steps.

The things we attempt to complicate recovery with are the "yea buts" ...trying to disqualify. It CAN'T be me. I'm not this. Blah blah blah blah. A woman I know, epically wise in her word choices, "Yea just don't drink and go to meetings. We call that, 'a dry drunk'."

Recovery comes from the work. The willingness to DO WHAT'S SUGGESTED IN THE DAMN MEETNGS. It's not simple or easy ...it's HARD work. SO WHAT? Coddling people is never a good choice. Saving your life is worth it. I prefer truth.

Perhaps the term we should use instead of simple is REAL. No more YEA BUT'S. NO justifying. NO rationalizing but, heart wrenching raw truth. "I'm sick and I'm going to die if I don't do something different." No more bullshit. Simple program with 12 steps. Simple would be ONE step.

1. Quit it.

Instead of trying to be cute with all the sayings ...maybe just listen. Share your experience. Quit all the razzle dazzle and trying to impress with acronyms in your comments. Maybe ...just maybe if you share the REAL ...being genuine in emotion and experience ...you may get better. And quite possibly help someone else along the way.

I'm not a slogan person. Trite sayings (ie ...lacking in freshness or effectiveness because of constant use or excessive repetition) Blech. They seem to help some. I'm glad for that. But I'm never a fan of trite. Ever. There is a BIG difference between simple and purposeful. Between trite and sincere. BIG DIFF!!

So when someone says, "K.I.S.S." or "simple program blah blah blah" laugh a little to yourself. Think of a Sassy Sober Girl getting all huffy and mouthing "trite" under her breath. And then you can thank the gods that you're not as sick as she is....to let a few words get under your skin. Or if this post pisses you off ...maybe you ARE like me. I like the idea of that. -_^

Progress not perfection right? Right.

Maybe it's just the hundreds of times I've heard Keep It Simple Stupid say to people in real pain, sharing the complexity of the human condition; a simple wanting to be heard ....that burns my proverbial ass. Words have power AND a boomerang effect. Watch telling other what to do versus sharing what YOU did....it always comes back to bite ya.

It's a 'workable' program. A 'possible' program. A 'hope-filled' program. A "solution". A 'freedom.' A 'way out of the sick.' A design for living. I don't recall seeing simple OR stupid in any AA or NA literature for that matter. *Shrugs* Did I mention how much I detest slogan-ism?

{Originally written Dec 3rd, 2010} Pink Clouds

Serenity: a disposition free from stress or emotion, the absence of mental stress or anxiety.

Tudging along on this road of happy destiny. Kickin' it sobah style, clean as a ....whistlin' the happy tune of life. AKA the "pink" cloud as some snarky, sarcastic folk say. I just call it simple relief from the bondage of self. All of a sudden, the thinking comes back. Seemingly outta nowhere; it squib kicks ya in the gut and the gray matter, and the pink drips away slowly.

Restless, irritable and discontent. Free floating anxiety. When-is-the-other-shoe-gunna-drop-ism. The damn floor just dropped. Things are going TOO good, it's bound to get wack sooner or later. I can't do this. It's too hard. Why didn't they call? These people can't really be that nice. What's wrong with me? I'm lost. Doom. Gloom. Boom. Some of these may apply ...some may not. Take what you want and leave the rest of it for the really sick people like yours truly.

Where'd my serenity go? My peace of mind? The happy just up and left me, without even a "dear brittany" letter. WTF? Seepage of old thoughts flow in. It happens to us all. If you say it doesn't, you're a stone cold liar and pfft on you. Treatment folk coined it "stinkin thinkin". I prefer clusterfucked but then again, cursing works for me. Catharsis.

Easy to get all the way down it, when life comes to call. The recovery gods know we don't do emotions gracefully. Like feeling sad when sad things happens, crying a bit and grieving? Um. No. Kicking, screaming, victimizing, rationalizing, justifying, hissy fits and tantrums, poor me's and F-you's; are certainly my experiences with emotions early on. Hell even still today on Brittany's Sober World Fun Ride, there are dips that go pretty low.

How do you soothe the savage thought? Flip it a steak and call me in the morning. Just take the word serenity in the context of our opening/closing "prayer"; applies to three things. Grant me the serenity (state of being tranquil, calm, serene) to accept the things, I cannot change, the courage (not wanting to but doing it anyway) to change the things I can, and the wisdom (knowledge of what is true or right) to know the difference.

Basically...Give me the ability to be calm and serene so that I know: what I can really change ....then let me DO this deal ....and be smart enough to know one from the other. Best practice towards this is always ...investigation. If you have the eyes to see it, the 12 step show is always asking WHY. In the early days for me it was like a nagging mother in-law "Why'd ya do this ...or that...or the other?" "What's your problem young lady?" "Why do you do this to yourself?" AKA stepwork. And yes, it works. And YES you can shut it cause you know I'm right!

My inner thoughts are now challanged by my inner "why?" Lotsa inventory practice people. It becomes innate and ingrained. So days like yesterday (clusterfuck days), can be figured out and emulsified in "because". More often than not it's not rational thought. Not based in truth or reality. Knowing this gives me great comfort. Truly no matter what the shit throwing monkey called life tosses at me, I can be okay. No more malingering, hanging questions of "why" left in the breathing space. Sweet relief from the sick that is my thought sometimes. I like pink. I like feeling a bit over the top happy. It's a good color for blondes.

And always remember, if ya do the work .........the pink comes back.

Promise? {Originally written Dec 2nd, 2010}

You've noticed them. They're the ones everyone in the room gravitates towards. The ones that can light up a meeting with a smile and whom everyone is glad to see. I knew a few of these people in my lifetime. The kind that had what I wanted, and I yearned to have the ego strength and poise that came with their sense of self worth. Humble and matter of matter, no delusional lollipop to suck on; they were okay with who they were and who they weren't. Ultimate self acceptance. At first I imagined that they were lying, like they had their fingers crossed behind their backs when they spoke of happiness. I found out that their hands were right in front....the whole damn time.

I'm not that. I've had glimpses of that. But never maintained for any length of time. Usually my ever wandering head starts spouting it's malarky and doubt creeps in once again. I love the feeling that brings me to however and I earnestly seek it daily. Pages 83-84 (directions for the nineth step of course) of the Big Book speak of "promises" of what we'll be given if we do the work to attain them. New freedom, happiness...yadda yadda ....not shut the door on the past .. et cetera et cetera...but the one that REALLY knocks me in the knickers is - Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Meaning what exactly? Wellll.....attitude and outlook meaning our perception and beliefs. No longer thinking life is a bitch and then you die? Perhaps believing in hope again? How about that there is beauty in the world? Or even ....no matter what....it's gunna be okay? That YOU'RE okay? Hell even that you're pretty amazing? Attitude and outlook. From bleack to plentiful, unaware to awash in life bringing perception.

Promises. A big word. Maybe just trying what is suggested and see if those promises come true. Whatcha got to lose really? I mean, I was a big pile of "lose" when I came crawling in. Bottom's sorta mean that anyway --- "what do I have to lose? What I've BEEN doin' sure ain't workin'. Life the person who "has what you want" ...you can have it too! Fingers crossed promise is of no matter ...do it anyway. Shine baby. We're all waiting for you! Cause no one else has the you...that you are. I'll show you mine, if you show me yours. Or something like that...

{Originally written Dec 1st, 2010} Why Forgive?

Forgiveness, the sweet healing balm of the mottled soul. Saying not... "it's okay" but more of a "I can't hate you today," for anger begets hatred begets fear begets doom; no room at the inn for the baby forget me not and his parents The "Justifieds". Unforgiven equals angsty lusty foamy death ... in the form of a bottle.

To forgive is to be free ... of the bittersweet dregs of self righteousness. Cause I can DO some anger now ... used to be my best friend, lover; it made hateful love to me. Lubeless and harsh; bleeding and unfulfilled "I have a REASON to be pissed off mofo" I'd cry, and it made no difference. Except that it was the near death of me. Literally.

I consciously choose the zen of it all. The peace and calm and quiet. I am a woman born of fire who doused herself in the river of life. No longer the pawn of rage, I adorn myself in the words of the masters. It may seem the simpleton way. May seem like quitting. Indeed it is.

If this "quitting" is the absence of struggle, the giving up of ego; the quintessential vicissitude that allows me to go with the flow and the ability to have peace down to my pink painted toenails. So I say forgiveness is a gift. I am a pacifist, non-violent and serene. Yet at times the fire is born again and I must do damage control.

So I get my big red firemen's hat and extinguish the burning with the words and sweet caresses as I prostrate of myself of love. To not forgive any/all transgressions is the literal scorching of my heart. Only just healed, I remain a pink burn center victim. Thankfully some think scars are epically hot. I know I do.