{Written Feb 2nd 2011} Compass...

Every minute, every day, we choose direction. Whether we wake up and decide to move left or right, there is a specific direction that we take. It is all relative to where we want to go. And trying to figure out how to get there is sometimes an incredibly daunting task, particularly when unaided by our own fear of the unknown.

So many times in my own life, during these tmes of choice, I wish that I could whip out a compass and have it magically point me in the direction that would be most conducive to happiness and well-being. When this magica intangible compass has failed to appear (as it should), I have become frusterated with myself for walking in the wrong direction or running like hell right into the middle of total misdirection.

The reality is that we all have an internal compass (not a magical one). One that, if crated with time and insight into how we want our lives to be lived, will help us move in the direction we choose. It's about learning to navigate choices. And spending the time to understand the consequences and aspirations that the chosen direction holds.

Each time I am faced with a new direction and the decisions weigh on me, I think about what is driving my intention. Where will this direction take me? And ultimately, will I be a better person and happier when I've taken steps to move that way.

And that, my friends, is the shiny direction bearing tool that may not prevent me from making mistakes, but it helps me stop and at least ask where I am going.

{Written Jan 26th 2011) This Too Shall Pass

If only we could take more of a way "this to shall pass" approach to life, we would suffer so much less. No event is an end point. No incident is the last word on life. One of the ways you can pursue happiness is to allow life to ebb and flow all around you, and not hold on to any event or possession too tightly. Whatever you are going through right now is not the end of the story. There's always more. There will be mysterious twists and turns that you can't even predict.

All things considered, taking a broad view of life, are you satisfied? Are you content? I don't mean in this moment, or even this day, but overall. Even if you feel that money is tight or circumstances are running against you right now, are you content? The poor in spirit are content because they have come within an inch of losing all hope. Because they know how it feels to be on the edge of spiritual devestation, they hold only loosely to things, and perspectives. Those who trust that all things come and go at the right time are content at peace.

So all things considered, are you satisfied? Are you content? True happiness is realized in the broken places of life. Your life glistens in the sun and chimes with the sound of acceptance. It's beautiful even with the cracks. When you have to come to terms with your brokeness, you don't need to pretend you are anything other than who you are in each moment. When you have accepted that each situation is what it needs to be, you stop resisting reality. As the Tao te Ching says, "If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to." Stop striving to perserve meaningful moments by putting them in a bottle. Stop trying to make your possessions immortal by storing them on a shelf. Let life come and go around you with humble curiosity and open ended wonder for this to shall pass.

{Written Jan 21st 2011} 12 Step Living

We are in the essence a society within a society. We learn through the 12 step process to be responsible, productive members of society. The process of recovery allows us to practice within our safety at our recovery meetings and through service, a new skill set hat requires patience, tolerance, compassion, and a host of other spiritual principals. Learning that my way is not the only way and that I can practice the art of listening are very useful tools. We develope it first in meetings as we "listen" to others share.

We also listen when we are in our group business meetings, area or regional service or one on one with someone at the coffee pot. These new skills follow us out to our jobs, with our families, and in interactions with those outside the fellowship. It allows us to virtually undetectable among those not in recovery but, respected for our honesty and integrityin situations that many not in recovery would handle quite differently.

Webring to the world our experience, strength and hope in a way that compliments society and enhances the world around us. We bring forgiveness to a world that is often unkind and love for all creation around us. Living a 12 step makes us aware of lifes small pleasures like a fallen leaf, a grasshopper in the sun, a full moon, a beautiful pond with its ripples or a snowflake on a pane of glass. The things that we never noticed or took for granted when we were spiritually dead, now play a major roll in our lives. Our gratitude speaks in volumes when we care and share the 12 step way.



{Written Jan 20th 2011} Same Ole Same Ole

I don't let people in.

I don't like women/men.

Women are bitches/only men understand me.

Men aren't emotional enough/only women understand me.

All my friends are of the opposite sex. They just "get" me better.

I don't trust..not even a little bit.

I've written about this topic at least a hundred different ways but it always holds merit. Meaning it's a recurring topic pretty much every single day in the recovery community. And yes, I mean every...day. What is it about letting someone in (that DOESN'T want in your pants) that is so scary for us? Why is it so difficult to believe that there are people that could care without expecting anything in return?

I mean sure. Hit any meeting and you'll see sick folks. That's just the honest truth people. Come on. People don't get into recovery because they're well. And to be on the 'real tip' there are folks with many many MANY years of sobriety who who still prey on noobs. That is the way of the world. No matter where you go you'll find SICK.


HOWEVER...Seeing as I'm an eternal optimist and that hundreds of thousands of people HAVE RECOVERED IN SPITE OF SICK....there are tons and tons of folk that are NOT that way. Leave it to people just itching to find a reason to not like recovery to gravitate towards the negativity. Pfft. If you are looking for healthy, you'll fnd it.

Hey. I was a nineteen year old, sweet, blue eyed blonde when I came into the rooms. I'm still sweet, but a lot less naive and a little bit heathier. It was easier back then to talk to the men. It was more comfortable because I wasn't challenged on my crap back then. I learned that the men who want to "go out for coffee ALONE to talk recovery" didn't really want coffee. More like dessert.I learned to spot the sick and after the initial shock of realizing in my teenaged gulible mind...that 'like oh my god, they totally don't care about me.' (DUH. Yes I know. DUH.), to stick to the women like glue.

 And I don't want to give men a bad name.

There were plently of heathful kind men

that helped me. They however, didn't want

my phone number. *one raised eyebrow* They didn't

remark on how nice my jeans fit or stare at my...

eyes. And I began to really see...who was trust-worthy

and who was not.



Hard lesson but so what. You mean to tell me that you people never experienced inappropriate behavior in the crack house, shooting gallery or local bar? Sometimes I hear people being shocked by sick behavior and I'm like are you an addict like me? Did you NOT use sexuality as a weapon like me? When did people become so delicate? We've seen and experienced things that no one should ever have to go through...and then somebody makes a sexual innuendo and you either think "they looooove me" or are offended? Handle it. Tell em' to bite you and NOT in a good way. Sheesh.

Anyway. Off topic. Point is that anyone who is healthful is going to be doing pretty much the OPPOSITE of what we're used to experiencing. I knew what it was like to be ogled. What I didn't know was being cared about for simply being me. It was a totally new concept. Blew me away completely and I'm ever so glad that old timer women grabbed me by the shirt collar and yanked me into their loving graces.

No one said you had to like it. It's not in any recovery book that I've ever seen; this "liking" concept. Trust because your life depends on it. Hang on to the women or the men (whatever the same sex is for you) to get fed in recovery. Someday you'll have the wisdom to know the difference between sick and healthy intimate relationships. Until that time...like an old friend of mine told me...

KEEP YOUR LEGS CLOSED AND YOUR EARS OPEN GIRL!

{Written Jan 19th 2011} Success???

Like most people, I tend to stick with what I know. What I've experienced. What is comfortable. Even if it doesn't look too comfortable from the outside. Matter of fact sometimes our lives (my life) can look like one big case study in psychosis based on past history. But it's SAFE. To me anyway.

"Been down so long that I'm lookin' up from the floor."

 (and not in that 'god come get me boy' kinda laying on the floor either. Which is another topic altogether. not releveant. hush)

Knowing what to expect, even and especially when that expectation is self-fulfilled and self-propelled time and time and time ...again. Where everything is flip flopped and good is bad and right is wrong and fail is all I've ever known. I felt this way when I first came into recovery. Back as a nineteen year old drug addict who was going to treatment to keep my ass outa jail. (it didn't work by the way but I looked damn good in green)

Everything 'healthy' was so strange like an infomercial at 3 AM with an overly exuberant Jay 'The Juiceman' Kordich where his epically busy eyebrows talk to me about the power of BEING HEALTHY and how everything in my life will change if I would just juice this damn pineapple!!!

Feelings being shared. Kindness. Understanding. Not being allowed to make ANY more excuses. Felt like an uncomfortable hug being held just a little too long. I'm not really the touchy feely type anyway..I value personal space immensely. And to have all these people hand shaking, hugging and all up in my grill? Oh hell no.

Of course this has changed. Because I allowed it to sink in through osmosis. That there was indeed hope to be found in recovery and I didn't have to believe the lies that my head slammed into the brick wall day after day. I wasn't sick but bad. I could never change. These people were crazy. (okay some things haven't changed but I'm getting better. promise.)

This still happens today in different ways. As I sit here I realize that one of my biggest fears is of ... success. Perhaps I actually CAN achieve my dreams. I CAN have a healthful loving relationship. The future is bright. IF I succeed, then I am responsible. Big-word-don't-like-it-not-even-a-little. Swimming in a sea of responsibility. I feel spread so thin that I channel transparency -aka -the glass whisperer'. A life well lived is a busy life blah blah blah. Whatever.

But it's about taking that next uncomfortable step. Whatever that may be. Whether getting your ass to that meeting that you don't want to go to or picking up that 100 lb phone or a new job or new place to live or submitting writing. *deep breath* K.

There is a spark. That will not die. That says "Keep at it no matter what". Recovery has given me that spark, before June 2010, up was down, good was bad, and right was wrong. (as much as I despise those words...they fit. poetic license people). Having the wisdom to know the difference makes me accountable to KEEP seeking that next goal, step, jump, slither, baby step.

Thank the gods, whomever they may be, that it's a process. Too much happiness slammed on me all at once might damn near kill me. I can do pain, sorrow, misery with panache and flair and look damn good doing it too. (damn straight). But, this 'no drama' thing happening since I got my head out of my proverbial ass? Holy crap. It's a doozy.

So responsibility begets accountability begets accessibility to the idea that I can be more. Do more. Achieve more. And recovery (you inanimate thing that I have personified so often), I thank you. Recovery. It'll love you back.

{Written Jan 15th 2011} Resent...Meant.

Hopefully by now in your recovery process you've at least 'heard' of these nasty little buggers that can destroy an alcoholic/addict faster than anything else. (you know "number one offender" and all that jazz? No? It's in the book. Both of em'. Yep.) Mirriam and Webster what say you?

RE-SENT-MENT

noun \ri-zent-mənt\
DEFINITION OF RESENTMENT
; a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury

Not the word persistent. Meaning of course ...continuing, lasting, or holding on, despite opposition or difficulties. No one told you to get a dictionary to read along with your 12 step literature? No? Hmm..Now you know. Persistent ill will. Despite opposition to such ill will. Think of it as 're-feeling' the hurt. Over and over. When you think about it. Possibly enough to bring a blush to your face and sparks to your eyes.

Now. Steps four and ten address these resentments clearly. (Refer to Big Book or Basic Text for further instructions ) Step ten handles the day to day cropping up of new issues as a daily review. But how do we deal with a situation burning in our head that occured ten minutes ago?

Ever heard the old addage "If there are 100 people in a room and 99 like me...I'll focus on the one that doesn't and why the HELL don't they like me?" It seems that we have this peculiar mental twist (ahem) that causes us to focus on the negative ...the injustice ...the "I can't believe you just did that to me" -ism of it all. This is NOT just an addict thing. Trust me. But for us it is especially dangerous. That tape recorder from hell needs to NOT be pressed on repeat if we are to live a happy, joyous and free life. Think of it as pulling yourself out of the red rage tape you've been stuck in for so long.

Now then. We know that the steps take care of resentments. Yes. What would you think if you could avoid them altogether? That if someone "made" you mad or hurt or angry....you could feel the feeling and then let it go??? That's sorta the whole goal here people. This is a sort of culmination of several recovery principles all wrapped up in one big shiny bow.

• powerlessness over people, places, things
• let go and let god (whatever that may look like to you)
• rule 62 (don't take yourself too damn seriously)
• "what other people think of me is none of my business"
• pray for that person (what prayer you ask? Well I just happen to have one that fits perfectly. go figure)

It even goes so far in the Big Book to delineate a prayer for anger. Step four directions page 67.

"God help me to show this person the same tolerance, pity and patience that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend. This is a sick person, how can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done, not mine."



It's called learning how to be a duck in water. What can you change? You. That is all. No more. No less. If you're doing inventories -- awesome. It's your path to freedom and certainly nothing about which to be scared of. If you're not there yet remember...we can't afford to be hypersensitive angry folks "the grouch and the brainstorm were not for us."

Stop the resentful thoughts from forming, use the anger prayer. No one should have that much power over you.. Take a moment. Breathe. Remember. You're worth it.

{Written Jan 14th 2011} In Vodka Veritas...

One of the first things you hear in AA -- one of the first things that makes core, gut-level sense--is that in some deep and important personal respects you stop growing when you start drinking alcoholically. The drink stunts you, prevents you from walking through the kinds of fearful life experiences that bring you from point A to point B on the maturity scale. When you drink in order to transform yourself, when you drink and become someone you're not, when you do this over and over and over, your relationship to the world becomes muddied and unclear.


You lose bearings, the ground underneath you begins to feel shaky. After a while you don't even know the most basic things about yourself--what you're afraid of, what feels good and bad, what you need in order to feel comforted and calm--because you've never given yourself a chance, a clear, sober chance to find out.


Alcohol offers protection from all of that, protection from the pain of self-discovery, a wonderful, cocooning protection that's enormously insidious because it's utterly false but it feels so real, so real and necessary.

And then, tragically, the protection stops working. The mathematics of transformation change. This is inevitable. You drink long and hard enough and your life gets messy. Your relationships (with nondrinkers, with yourself) become strained. Your work suffers. You run into financial trouble, legal trouble, or trouble with the police. Rack up enough pain and the old math--discomfor + drink = no discomfort--ceases to suffice; feeling "comfortable" isn't good enough anymore. You're after something deeper than a respite from shyness, or a break from private fear and anger. So after a while you alter the equation, make it stronger and more complete. Pain + Drink = Self-Obliteration.